You may be thinking; how in the hell have you accumulated such a thorough amount of detailing during lock-down without seeing a single penis Char? To that I say it’s all in the digging. I have also spent, as I’m sure most of you have, a stupendous amount of time reflecting, and pondering on some of my previous experiences of love, men, sex and dating, but here are a few I’d missed off my list as ‘precautionary immediate red flags’ when dating the opposite sex.

1. If he calls you “girl”.

Now don’t get trippy on me… I’m not talking about when he says “YOO GURLLL” because you’ve been talking for weeks; I’m talking about that initial interaction; if that first message when he doesn’t even know you, has read your bio, and has decided the that foremost way to address you is as if you’re a GIRL (a minus 21 yrs old human) – then pause a moment – think about it – you’re 20 years old plus right? You’re not a girl, you’re a fledged woman (yes even if you’re living at home with parents)… so he’s already started degrading you. Don’t let his primary interactions with you start from a position of superiority by looking down on you, as if you’re an inferior, even if its just in his words – you’re a WOMAN. If you correct him, I tell you now there is a cheeky and candid to-the- point-way of doing this; and you thenceforth tell him that the only appropriate way to address you is as “Woman”;  and he then doesn’t follow through with the request, or with more respect for you, but instead laughs at you, laughs it off or ignores it. Ditch him. If you have to correct him again on anything remotely misogynistic  (even if he does it in error) says something sexually idolising of you, and he takes you pulling him up on it wrongly [wrongly = aggressive, passive, calls you stuck up, bloody feminist or eye rolls you.] Ditch Him – you are dealing with a misogynist. Probably a sexist and a woman hater; a woman gave BIRTH to him and he doesn’t understand what one is when it’s in front of him; it’s that or he is fully aware you’re a woman but choosing to call you girl – why do you think that is? YAWN.

You’ll have a lot more to worry than just how he addresses you in the future, if you continue courting this Neanderthal.

2. If he doesn’t know what the hell he wants, or more importantly NEEDS, from LIFE ;

Whether that’s good literature, amazing food, regular nights out, or quite alone time (Especially as he’s had almost 2 months alone to think about that in isolation); how to self care when he’s down, angry or stressed, what sorts him out, makes him alive, drives him crazy. If he is still unable to talk about it to you, or voice these things. Ditch him. He’ll be impossible in a crisis and seeing how 2020 has worked out we may have a few more, you need someone willing to rely on others but is also able to know where and how they can look after themselves. Communication is key but if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t know what makes them stabilised you’re headed for disaster 101. FOR EXAMPLE:  During this time I’ve worked out I NEED regular debriefs with girlfriends, I need to laugh regularly, I need to be taught by others occasionally to get out my own head, I’m unable to jump into TV or Netflix if I’m stressed because it makes me more stressed, when I wake up I need 30 mins of time to digest wtf happened the day before normally I have mad asf dreams, and I gotta process emotions, intentions. It won’t happen every morning but I know what to do if I feel wobbly. If he hasn’t worked out some of his NEEDS from life ALONE– it’s gunna be an issue because that means he doesn’t know how to make HIMSELF happy, and he’ll have no idea if his life with you is how it’s supposed to be, or if he’s even happy and fulfilled himself in it – so you got no f**in hope in making it work love. No matter how great you are there will be no calculator or spectrum for him to know if it’s working because his well-being becomes dependant on what YOU’RE doing. F that.

3. If he isn’t aware about his potential flaws/ traits that can affect a balanced working dynamic;

‘Flaws’ sounds harsh but what I mean by that is there are habits which can be beautiful personality attributes, but attributes that can – in grand proportion become heavy on a healthy dynamic. IE Being ; Work Ambitious,  Precise and Organised, a Day Dreamer, a Deep Creative/ Thinker, a Planner & Cautious type, can also be equated to attributes that soon become hurdles if communicated poorly as part of your individual way of being. Being ‘too’ work ambitious could equate it being like dating a workaholic, being ‘too’ precise/ prepped/ organise can equate to dating a clean/ control freak, or someone mission driven, tunnelled visioned can feel like you’re with an ego maniac.  IF and ONLY IF; they have these traits, AND are unaware that they are huge parts of how they exist on a human level AND are unaware it’s a lot to deal with on the receiving end of a relationship if the attributes AREN’T self monitored or communicated. The minimum should be an awareness of what they can be like – otherwise it’s guna become an issue – as hours spend till 2am doing art/ work/ problem solving because YOU’RE AMBITIOUS – can be seen by a potential partner as avoiding intimacy, selfish or damn right insensitive IFFFFFF you don’t name it, communicate it, and reassure your partner and make them aware of this IN THE DATING PERIOD. IF you are sharing your life with a someone it is key to be aware of what you’re like to be with. For example I’ve learnt during quarantine I know when I get into my mission driven mode (can be seen as tunnel vision) I can be up on a computer working till 12/1am – a time when most partners would want me in bed with them ; BUT I’M AWARE OF IT & that I’m sometimes like that – but I’m able to express it, make sure it’s not every night, and then also reassure a potential partner of this before hand – letting them know whether I can be interrupted or not or how important the task is.  By kindly sharing; ‘Yo I’m going into creative mode I need to not be disturbed mid flow but I LOVE YA – if they are not able to express these traits; how these flaws MAY affect a healthy working dynamic, whether they can check themselves on it & compromise, it will start to create a space between intimacy and communication, eat away at any insecurities, and can break down where needs feel unmet or unheard.  If he’s unable to communicate to a partner what these are in order to thrive as a couple. Gone. Next please.

4. If you have to dance with his ego for more than 10 mins.

He’s either a liar, a cheat, a user or an abuser and we ain’t fishing for either or any of that malarkey today sis. Just healthy, sexy, balanced, well rounded self checked out, healed men.

 So, save yourself the headache. If he don’t want to get into the nitty gritty; or he just obsesses with how you ‘vibe’, the sexual energy, he can’t directly compliment you, open up, be vulnerable or speak honestly, he either hiding a lot;  got 1 or 2 other women on the side also stabilising that fragile ego, whilst not opening up to anyone, except only in a victim “boo hoo” massage my ego” way; OR he has a partner/ someone that he’s currently using and abusing and he’s somehow trying use you to make him feel more of a man/ like enough of a man to go serve his own needs [*one sec I’m puking on my keyboard*] He will NEVER BE the man you deserve or ever emotionally need him to be coz he’s checked out in multiple places; he’s pathetic, and that’s got fuck all to do with you; but it’ll become YOUR issue If you let him into your life. He’ll probably always be that way (and that’s so much effort girl – so many sleepless nights when you could be masturbating, painting your nails or living your best life – but instead you’d be stressing out about him?!?) nah ditch him; he needs professional help, and it’s not in your pay grade to fix him, to put up with it, or to work it out. Ain’t nobody got the time money to afford that. Especially not on this universal credit bulls***

5. He’s only ever bought a girl flowers, and chocolate.

 Test to see if he has a physical understanding about the emotional needs of empowering women, not just repairing them with sorry gifts AFTER f***ing up. Champagne, sex toys and lingerie for YOU to feel good should be on the top of his list of ways to worship you & empower your life. Not that you need permission from a guy TO DO THAT; but if he’s gunna be in your circle he should be ADDING to the vibes, not withdrawing from your chalace. And if you’re the male reading this and you’re thinking, “well hold up wait a sec Char, why would I need to buy her sex toys for pleasure when she has me, and my fantastic dick?” To that I say hunny a female’s pleasure ain’t all about you. I’m not saying she’s guna masturbate or need other men or will think about other men pleasing, but  a woman’s pleasure is a lot more than you hitting the g-spot physically. The point here with these gifts is that you’re encouraging and enabling her to feel as much pleasure as possible, to learn about herself and feel good; whether you’re physically available, inside her or not. And her pleasure should surround her needs as much, if not more than yours. You want her to have a great time no? You want her happy no? Making her feel like the sex goddess you worship is one of the many ways to empower your partner. [ I will side note this by saying this goes 2 ways but with women the pleasure aspect doesn’t always obsess over the orgasm, sexual pleasure or pleasure when it comes to empowerment in general it’s a lot more that just toys; but allowing her and encouraging her to have her own fun in the togetherness, that isn’t directly tied into whether you have an orgasm, is so crucial to her not feeling like YOUR sex toy.] The lingerie should also be for her to feel pretty & sexy for herself in, with no pre-requisite that you see it; because empowering women to feel GREAT only helps her be more empowered in her choices and her choice in YOU, and you’ll probably end up with a VERY happy independent woman; which will result in how much love and affection you get back in the normal 10 fold way women give back. She will feel honoured and respected, whilst trusted and liberated in her own sexuality. Remembering you’re the lucky one in this dynamic. You’ll get loyalty & appreciation in return. Back to the chocolates; just know her enough (gifts aren’t just for problem solving) they’re for uplifting too. PS Hun, if he ain’t got a scooby about the fact women also deserve to feel empowered separate from the benefits of the male gaze or rewards of he may get in return in the bedroom, he ain’t for you, & is probs a narc anyway. Thank u, next.

6. Leads me on perfectly to ; If he’s not aware about what he needs sexually

Aka intimacy, monogamy, foreplay, scenarios, fetishes. If he doesn’t know what he needs, or how to express that; and is additionally unable to voice those needs to you, or voices it WAY TOO OFTEN – LIKE IF YOU DON’T SUBMIT YOU’LL DIE FROM EXASPERATION/ TEDIUM – then I’m sorry to say either he’s watched too much porn, and therefore will have an issue expressing non sexual intimacy in a way that isn’t sex related, and thinks his life should be a bloody babe station fantasy, or he doesn’t know himself well enough to be even engaging in vulnerable intercourse with another human body. He isn’t going to be able to even start to understand or respect or hear your sexual needs, because he’ll think either you won’t have them or that they’re less of a priority than his (YUCK). He may be willing to learn, and a willingness is essential in any mutual relationship; but no-one’s got time to mother someone into understanding that YOU TOO deserve an orgasm. [ I am also not talking about ‘oo make me cum papi’ and the ridiculous ideology that that’s how you know you’ve pleased a woman – as I said before g-spot bashing doesn’t always mean the woman felt ORGASMIC – do yu get me?] I’d also like to side note that if he is aware of his needs and is brave and caring enough to voice them you (when you’re fully dressed) , you then have to make a decision as to whether it’s something that fits in with you. Excuse the pun. He may be up for the odd threesome or sex party? Are you guna judge him? Support him? Or think he’s fundamentally sick in the head? Either way I don’t think you’re allowed to judge because EVERYONE has a right to own their own sexual needs – but if he’s VOICING THEM AT THE BEGINNING VERY CLEARLY – it’s crucial in allowing you to make a conscious NON COERCED – decision about that part of a future relationship & that is so important. You don’t want to find out 10 yrs into a marriage he’s been harbouring a need for BDSM and is secretly going to sub-dom parties covering it as a ‘golfing with the lads’ trips because a) you may even have wanted to join him and you’ve missed out on years of shagging or worse b) you have a mental breakdown as it may be the complete OPPOSITE of your needs of intimacy (sexual or not) & it will never be the same because there’s been a breach of trust EVEN IF IN THE MIND. Truth be told if you’re an old school romantic ‘up for missionary, a bit of doggy & an occasional shag in the bathroom of a family event’ make sure your fella is chilled out too and expresses he has also just an occasional fetish need, as this is better than him later making you feel like you don’t know him, or that it’s somehow your job ‘fulfill’ his needs, and you haven’t been, or that can’t trust him when in reality it really it was his job to voice them IN THE FIRST PLACE. And your job to ask. Get your inspector gadget on and don’t be shy – he might see you naked at some point.

7. If he can’t tell you whether or not he wants kids, or to get married;

So he doesn’t know where he’s aiming for in 5 years, if he wants to build a business, travel the world or learn a second language, or whether or not sharing a home with a partner is important or not to him?  I’m telling you my love, with the straightest face ever; if he’s telling you he doesn’t know or he’s going with the flow – he is just out for the cookie. Completely playing a game, or too scared to be honest with you; which only screams one thing; MANIPULATION/ CONTROLLER/ POTENTIAL NARC. Ditch him. I don’t care every man over 25 KNOWS what is in their eventual goals with the magical person of their dreams – it may not be you but he should know what he’s hoping to get out of any relationship at any given point. And he shouldn’t be disrespecting you and your time by lying about that. Even if he wants to sow his wild oats and tells you he knows for a fact he’s not relationship ready he COULD BE HONEST ABOUT THAT TOO without you having to work it out after 6 months of being in a situationship, like sweet, no, no one should go through that. AND if he has any respect for OTHER HUMANS (and by other humans I mean women) he will have the courtesy to check your goals out too and not proceed to date you if you don’t match – did god give him extra time ? no. So why is he wasting yours? Normal empathy filled people will take time to work out if you match as it’s the right thing to do – not just wait for you to break down out of not being committed to enough or not having your needs met; if you don’t match up coz ‘he wants play time’ and you’re in a ‘ I only want to build time’ then ditch; whose time are you wasting but your own? His mind won’t change in 6 months because the truth is your paths aren’t destined to cross in that way – so don’t make it so.

8. If he admits in his bumble bio or to you at any point he’s decided he’s NOW ready to settle down and finally share his life .

 Don’t go there. Don’t just ditch him. Run! This guy is 101 female user; is used to being SERVED by women and has decided NOW at the ripe age of 29/32?! He’s ready NOW to settle & that he’s self negotiated that he’s okay for JUST one woman to serve him up, as if becoming committed is a feckin sacrifice?? – LOL – and if he’s only just decided he’s ready to share his life NOW what in the HECK was he doing tf before? Shagging a woman, calling them his gf in private, not sharing their relationship PROUDLY in public and telling a partner absolutely nothing that goes on in his head…..???? Nah love, this guy doesn’t understand equal balanced commitment OR the value of women for the matter, and he will waste your time, does he bitch about his mum too? Or overly protest how nice she is…..? *starts googling mummy issues* He feels ENTITLED TO WOMEN. Sissy that walk. Far far… away from him.

9. If in the first month he’s not completely hyping you up & thinks you’re intriguing as hell.

Fuck him off – he’ll either be awful in bed and by awful I mean it’ll be the selfish un-empathetic sex, show me how much you love me, make me feel more manly, sex, and you’ll just start to become a shell of yourself stressing internally “DID I HIT HIM AND BIRTH THE DEVIL COZ HE NEVER SAYS I’M THE BEST EVER”. Or he’ll end up massively denting your esteem Coz he don’t have the open vulnerability or care to BE ACTIVELY NICE TO YOU or REASSURE YOU. Again please don’t see this as an opportunity to “help him grow” [eye roll] – he’s old enough to already know better. Either he’s so insecure that complimenting you feels like giving power away or he wants to control your emotions towards him. It’s called negging – it’s a thing – fuck boys do it – go google it. I don’t need to have experienced it to know it –( but no shade, I defo have) and I’m telling you straight girl this kind of man won’t be able to connect with you in a emotionally positive way so imagine what birthdays, nights out, your achievements, time with friends, anniversaries and foreplay will be like – real positivity or clit stimulation won’t exist during the entirity of the relationship coz he won’t want to give. He’ll be that type to pull a face like ew eating pussy is a service, and doing anything kind for you, is a curse. He’ll need you to stay obsessed with getting more from him. He’s the devil. This guy is a leach and you can do hell-a better (see what I did there?). Get the strongest scissors you have out. & Snip that dick outta your life.

10. If he don’t care about your world;

Your schedule , what you eat, who your support system consist of, what haunts you, how he can show up to protect you, what sets your heart alight, how you sleep at night, or how you breathe (side note you have to be ready and willing to let him) – then he is not prepared for a life of deep connection and companionship – if he’s not all about you now, and this is the most enthusiasm you’re gunna get…yeeesh. There’s a small possibility you don’t cognitively connect up in which case why you bothering? But if he isn’t wanting to connect on a deep level, how you guna last a lifetime? A healthy individual will want to know who your besti is, what you spend your time doing, and the inflections of your changing emotions and what you enjoy learning about, as this is how loving and understanding someone truly works. You want them to do well, grow and to know when they’re not even if they’re not great at sharing/ articulating it during the moment. You may have completely different hobbies but a mutual interest in getting to understand how the other operates is so important. This person should be; not just your best friend, but a joyful light in your life, a reminiscence of childhood fun, your hype king, a safe space for communication and expression, a gentle and compassionate, empathetic and ready to brace and brave the difficulties of life, man, with a joy and gracefulness that he has YOU by his side. If doesn’t even care how you slept, which is when we’re our most out of control and vulnerable, do you think he’s guna help you carry the weight of the world you’re already cradling solo when times get tough? Or equally compromise on the life style you might sacrifice, make to accomodate him? No, he won’t. So don’t invest anymore time in this stock market. Invest elsewhere. On You, or a man worthy of your needs, compassion and beautiful essence.

I understand some of what I’ve digress in this article may be difficult to read and digest at first but I assure you it all comes from a fundamental time of resetting self love boundaries and from a growing understanding of my worth as a woman and what we deserve. I want you to understand and feel that way about yourself too. I want to fight for you about your rights, and self livelihood because you deserve that baby! Don’t take any shit during lock down, this corona arsehole already sucking all the energy out the room, you don’t need another MAN doing the same thing for no reason. Do ya you absolute super star? – Him whoever HE is to you right now, being ‘just a bit’ of this and that, isn’t enough. YOU DESERVE A LOT MORE. You should be getting LAYERS of WARMTH & LOVE to swim in – after all you’re a goddamn masterpiece.

Take time to become aware of what value and goodness is in the masterpiece of you as a woman, so you don’t waste precious time or energy giving in to letting the wrong people even have your attention for a minute too long; especially if they can’t afford it hunny. Set your levels high gorgeous; I’ll be up there with you and then you’ll never be alone.

Stay vigilant out there. It’s gunna be a whole new world post lockdown. With care and cuddles; and a cheeky butt slap; you minx.

Kindness,

Char

There’s a world out there, don’t settle on bad vibes. You deserve the sun, the moon, the stars, and a happiness that leaves you breathless and beaming. XOXO